Amarie who is logged out for
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Post by Amarie who is logged out for on Apr 10, 2004 19:29:15 GMT -5
-some unknown reason. -.^ I had an odd dream this morning.. yes this morning... because I remember waking up and it was daylight so I went back to sleep... or maybe that was just the light from the telly... anyhow... I remember about 6 or 7 Rivendell members together... don't ask me who it all was.. I only remember hanging out with GotO and saying something to Naurwen and referring to her as Naurwen. and then we were like riding this thing that was flying only we were out in the open... and then we all jumped off and fell.. sort of like sky diving.. only not.. and I remember getting someone's video camera wet, but it wasn't broken and they never noticed... and then there was what was an otter at first... but by the end of the time seeing it, it was more like a plant... and it had roots.. that went really deep in the ground... em... yeah... thats all I can remember... I remember hanging out with GotO mostly... though she didn't look like she did in her pictures.... it was odd. *slinks away*
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Post by Amarië on May 7, 2004 18:37:41 GMT -5
theres so many things I've been wanting to say... and I made a note with it in my head to post.. but I never get around to it... there are some nifty poems and thingy's I will post eventually... *sighs* life really sucks at the moment... as it always does... it seems to be going well.. then you realize how it just.. sucks... you're happy... and then it all hits you, and you're sad... I have about less than 30 minutes.. so I just wanted to let everyone know that I am here.. I have not dissappeared forever as others have done elsewhere... and I shall hopefully have time to post... more...
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Post by Amarië on May 8, 2004 19:23:13 GMT -5
Here are a few ponderings of mine which I have recollected over the past few days…:
It’s amazing how you can become attached to someone you have never even met. You don’t even know their real name, yet you can love them. You love them for who they are, and just that. They can be inspirational, caring, loving, wonderful, amazing people. Probably the best people you will ever know, and you most likely will never meet any of them face to face. They can drive you insane, and they can keep you alive (or just kill you off ;-) ), but you love them just the same.
Then there are people you have met. The people you love just as much, if not more. The people who keep you alive (or stab you with sporks.) They are just like you, only not! They have minds of their own and thoughts of their own. You may still think alike in some situations, but they are still different from you. There is the saying, ‘Opposites attract’ Now in some ways, I can agree to this, but in some ways I can’t. Do you honestly become friends with someone with none of our interests? You have nothing in common, and they hate what you love, and you hate what they love? I have been friends with someone who supposedly ‘hates’ Lord of the Rings (though it’s really only because her brother loves it). And she loves Harry Potter. She’s obsessed with it. And I hate Harry Potter. Yet, we were friends. But we had something in common… we were both obsessed with something. We could relate to each other because of that… so there is on example of me ‘agreeing’ with that saying… Getting back to my point, how many of you have become close friends, and I mean actually close, not acquaintances, with someone who has nothing in common with you? But then again, you can’t be exactly like someone… wouldn’t that be boring? If you had a problem, you’d both be throwing the same ideas on the table. And you generally solve a problem by giving multiple ideas and coming up with a solution together with those. So if you’re exactly like someone, you are both giving the same ideas and getting no where. Or, is that the very thing that draws people together? Or is it not?
Going to college out of state, maybe even out of country, has always been a dream of mine. For years I have wanted to get away from what life I’ve had here. I can’t stand them all, these people who drive me sane. But alas, I doubt I shall get to. I doubt they shall pay my way, but I can’t save up on a ten dollar allowance which I am supposed to be getting anyways, though I am not. I have pondered other ways of getting money within these four years left, but none of them likely. I have thought about things such as writing a book or something, but how many people really get published and actually sell? There has to be millions out there trying the same as I. So what are the odds of me getting published? And people actually buying my work? It’s all crap anyways. So many people want to get into acting too, but how many make it? I gave up on those dreams long ago. Because that’s how things remain for me. Dreams. As I have said, my life is screwed up. If I say something, the opposite happens. For example, the other day I said, ‘Great, the suns out.’ And the sun went away. So I said, ‘Woo. The sun went away.’ And it came out again! I’ve learned to control my fate through this, but now that I told you, it’s not going to work anymore.
I don’t even know what to do with my life. I have no idea what I should do. Nothing interests me. Nothing. Things that I shall never succeed in do, but you shouldn’t even count those. It leaves me indecisive and dumfounded. What should I do? What courses should I take? I’m nearing that time where I really need to know, but I don’t. Because of it, my life is going down the drain, and this time, I don’t want anyone to follow me! (*wonders how many got that*) I don’t want any of you to be screwed over like I am. I want you to go out there and live your lives, while I am here with no life and a dark, winding path o’ doom leading to where there is no return! I am completely lost. *pulls out map* I’m either this little dot in this corner, or that one in that corner, yeah, the one that is in the middle of the big giant forest that says its doomed and leads to where there is no return. Wait. *turns map over* no… I’m either that small dot or that even smaller one, in the even bigger forest with the bigger sign saying its doomed and leads to where there is no return with a bunch of s p o o n s. I’m just following the current, going with the flow, though I don’t want to! I dislike people who do something just because someone else is. Those who do whatever others are doing just because they are doing it. Because everyone is doing it. They just do it for attention or to fit in with the crowd. Be individual. Don’t care what others think. And do it because you want to. That’s what I do. I don’t care what others think of me. As long as I like it, well then good for me, and if you’re like that, then good for you, too.
Another thing that gets to me is when people don’t tell anything, leave me out of certain things, and don’t tell me the whole story. It happens everywhere. Here, other forums, offline. Everywhere. And I really have been brought to tears because of it. It’s a horrible feeling which I know some of you have experienced and told me directly. And to the date, there are some things I still have no idea about. Now I know Rivendell has its inside jokes that only certain people (mod’s mostly, and those that have figured it out) know. But that’s just something about Rivendell. One day it may be revealed, but if you think about it, it’s not that hard to figure out. We aren’t trying to segregate people, we just have certain jokes that we don’t want to stay on Rivendell, even though it is discussed on other forums, its not their inside jokes, and not everyone knows it on those forums either. It’s just something that makes Rivendell individual. Its own inside jokes. Now I know other forums have their own jokes, but they surely aren’t the same as ours. But for Dom’s sake, I’m one of the admin! You’d think I know everything about Rivendell. I’m the one who created it! It’s because of me its here! But I still don’t know everything…
Anyhow, getting on more current events, we shall be moving again. We bought a trailer and it has just been moved onto the property. And we shall live in it until we get a house built, which shall probably be right before I move out (moving out for college, that is.) Right when I get settled in, I shall leave. That always happens. Right when you get used to a place, you have to go again! But leaving has never been an option for me. I’ve planned on leaving since I was small. They are so annoying. I nearly hate some of them. If it weren’t for God, I probably would. I know it’s wrong to hate them, or even dislike them as much as I do, but I can’t help it. They are so annoying. They are the reason I don’t want to have kids. Annoying kids that will just annoy each other and end up like me. They are also why I am moving out when I graduate, as you probably have figured out. I don’t want a family, at all, because of them. What I would give to be one of those kids that have parents that don’t care. I mean, as long as you aren’t being abused or molested, you have it good. *sighs* I’d love to move in with my father. But no, he has to have TB. He would let me do whatever I want. Let me have a life. Let me live my life. He doesn’t do any of the bad things he used to. Being in prison was the reason he got TB. But he probably won’t end up in jail again. And it’s not like he did something really serious like kill someone or rape someone. *mutters* He might not even be contagious. I mean he has some person living with him…
And now for more of your off-topic--ness pleasure: Me mum killed the spider. I liked that spider. It’s not like all the other spiders that go crawling everywhere. It stayed in its hole, and didn’t leave its hole. It would go around its hole. But it doesn’t end up in your bed or in the shower or crawling everywhere it can. No… it just stayed there in and around its hole… Right up there, right above everyone, out of the way. But noooo, she had to kill it. It looked nifty too. It was all big and black. And ran into its hole if you poked at it.
Sqwerls are very indecisive creatures. Have you ever seen one run across the road in front of your car? It runs across, but sometimes it stops in the middle of the road and will turn back two feet, and then it will run back across the way it was in the first place! Or sometimes it will get ¾ of the way across, and then it will turn and run to the place it was coming from in the first place! It’s like its deciding whether it wants to go to a safe-haven on that side or that side, or just stand there and get killed.
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Post by Amarië on May 8, 2004 19:25:31 GMT -5
We had ‘prom’ last Friday (um… the 30th… yeah...) I think it’s stupid to call it that, but whatever. ‘Twas so much fun though, but it should have lasted longer. It was from 7 to 10, I think. Brittany gave a few peeps roses, so I put mine in the window! (Hurrah for the window-y/Travis-y goodness) bwahahahah-. I also got to wreak British rock-y havoc on the school. I gave the teacher my CDs and the numbers I wanted her to burn, and she burned them and I got to play some of the songs. Yup. Then we spent the night at Jami’s. And I got so see Monty Python… the Holy Grail one. The next day we worked on this video thing Jami had to do for her class. It was funny. She was making fun of the show A Make-over Story calling it A Make-over Spoof. And I got to be the make-over person named Fran ^.^ And I had nothing to do with that (amazingly, the name, that is). Okay... maybe a little. Brittany was going to be the make-over person, but then I saw her name was Fran, so I stole it from her. Yeah, so we had Leslie (Pip, as you chat room go-ers know her) as the person who was being made over. And she played a “57-year old woman who wanted to look good for the retirement home’s Poker Night.” (They had everything else and I suggested it should be something really stupid like the home’s ‘Poker Night’ and they used it… *enter e-vilee smiley here) And there are some scenes were I ask Brit, Meep!istant, for some purple eye shadow, and she keeps handing me every colour but purple. And then there is a scene where Jami is asking me what I plan to do to Pip, and my cell goes off, and I start screaming at the cell phone and telling the person that it’s only a flesh wound, it can wait. Then we have a disclaimer which is a whole page long and it’s so Domran. It goes off-topic and has nothing to do with the show. Here it is: Disclaimer This show is pointless and stupid at certain points. The names of the characters in this show have been changed with their consent to protect the innocent and the keep the privacy of the people’s names who have been changed to protect their privacy, which does not want to be invaded, so we changed their names so their names wouldn’t be their real names, seeing how they have been changed for their privacy… This film, is a spoof off of A Makeover Story, a lovely show, you should watch it. It is my great-grandmother, Nina’s favourite show. She even records it whenever she is going out with her new, young boyfriend, Frank. REMEMBER, this show is completely stupid, Domran, unrealistic, stupid, and pointless at some points that are pointless and have nothing to do with anything at all, seeing as how they are pointless, without a point, also very stupid. It is stupid just like this video that my mother bought for me on my thirteenth birthday, it was very Domran and ridiculous, although wrapped very nicely, in purple and pink with a cute little ribbon off to the side. She even wrote my name in calligraphy. She had studied calligraphy in China for fives years until she met my father. He was a missionary there, trying to save the hungry. Did you know that over 49% of the people in China go hungry? Speaking of hungry, I’m quite starved. I think I’ll go get a burger… be right back… Ooh! With a little side salad! I think I’ll go to Wendy’s… or maybe McDonalds…. What do you think? Did you know that I worked at McDonalds for five years during college? I majored in Philosophy, you know. Very hard class, it was. Although I managed somehow to pass by with a D… never got that one… my first Vetter’s name starts with a D… his name is Doug… the bass player of my favourite band is named Doug. But it doesn’t seem like his name is Doug, now that I think about it. I guess I’m used to calling him Dougie. He doesn’t look like a Doug. He looks more like a William. He’s a member of Travis. Travis is an awesome band. You should listen to them sometimes. British rock… it rocks... woo. Ha ha ha.. I made a perpetual funny, British ROCK ROCKS… heheheheheheheheh heh… Speaking of British rock… I love Travis…I also love Coldplay… Its cold in here, did you know that? I bet you know it now, don’t you? My grandfather loved to keep his house really cold. It was like 42 degrees in there. My grandfather’s name is William. See? I told you this show was Domran. Anywho, enjoy the show. Also, remember that the people’s names have been changed to protect their innocent innocence. Also, to keep the privacy of the people’s names who have been changed to protect their privacy, which does not want to be invaded, so we changed their names, so their names wouldn’t be their real names, seeing how they have been changed for their privacy… Brilliant, eh? *enter e-vilee smiley here* And at the end of the show, Leslie suddenly turns into Jami (bwahahahah-.) and she goes on about how she will be the ‘sexiest’ one at Poker Night. You know who people say miracles can happen? Well I say they can happen, but do they? I don’t recall any miracles in my life, not enough to say they happen a lot. So, that’s my saying now. Miracles can happen, but do they? I plan on putting it in my signature… but by the time I actually post this, I will have probably already changed it. For once in my life—oh, wait never mind… For once, I am actually passing algebra! It’s amazing. Not quite a miracle, but amazing. I’m failing two other classes, but for once, it doesn’t include math! Woo for me! Hopefully I can bring the other two up though… with only 8 more days of school left… *mutters* if I don’t I’ll be doomed, really doomed.
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Post by Amarië on May 8, 2004 19:26:33 GMT -5
The next day--whenever that was--just waking up
For me and my dreams I often visit the same the locations when I dream and even repeat the same dreams over and over again. I can recall one that I often had as a child. ‘Twas me being chased by a T-Rex, and finding no safe-haven. I just kept running, hiding in buildings, hiding behind things, but it would still come and find me, and I’d have to run again, even if it meant destroying that building. But thinking about it now, I see the meaning of it. You just can’t run from your problems. I don’t know how it was relevant to my life at the time.. I think it was around the time I moved. I was but a mere child then! Or was it meant for me to look back on it?
Often I have prayed for God to show me something, anything. But he hasn’t. Or at least not directly. Asking what I should do with my life, what career options I should look into, an idea for a story I could write. Anything. But he hasn’t shown me. I have had one… but that did not come from a dream… it came from another book… but just the general idea! Not stealing it from the book. I didn’t even finish that book anyways. But all I get is things that don’t make sense. Nothing to bother over. Which leads me to my other point: I seem to revisit the same spots in my dreams… or I did, but it’s not as so anymore. So are these spots, supposed locations I can use in a story or something? Is that what happened with Tolkien? Has anyone read anything stating where he got his ideas? And as for the man upstairs showing me something, I have seen nothing. Except one thing… but that is really not likely… way defiantly completely unlikely.
Just one random thing here that I have to say now, or else I will forget: flammable… inflammable…flammable… inflammable… bwahahahaha-. Sorry, had to get that out.
Concerning moving, I have lived in *takes moment to count* about 8 different places (home-wise, not town) Three different towns… And moving yet again. I believe I talked about this somewhat before, but any how… I’m going deeper into it now. Though it’s only about three miles down the road… and I’m starting to not care... about anything… the last big move didn’t mean a thing to me… I mean, it sucks to leave Mip and Lëo, even though I haven’t ever met her… But I mean, Mip moved out of the country and back and we’re still friends! I don’t think a little move across the state is going to be that bad, it still sucks but hey! It’s better then out of the county! But it seems right when you get settled in, you have to move. Right when I get adjusted to wherever we are, we move. And right when I get adjusted to the place we are moving to this summer, we shall move into a house. And when I get settled into the house, I shall leave for college. They tell me it will be so much better wherever we’re going next, but its not! It keeps getting worse and worse! It’s not getting any better from my stand-point! They said it was going to be so much better moving here, and then they go to say its going to better there! Make up your minds already!!
As Mip said before, sleep is a way of escape. It’s an escape from your problems, your worries, your thoughts. When you sleep, you don’t have to be tormented by thoughts of sadder days. But in a way, you are running from your problems, not facing them head on. I go and hide in a corner with sleep just to be cornered in the end. And I have done this a lot before. I would come home, lie down, and go to sleep. I have nothing else to do, besides get lectured at, yelled at, or made do stuff which I get no thanks, praise, or reward for. I would sleep till evening time, and sometimes I would wake up then, then go back to sleep till morning. I have nothing else to look forward to. I couldn’t go on the internet, either I was restricted or Jeff was going to call. So I ran from my problems. I ran from life. But I don’t want to run. I can’t stand the thought of more problems when I wake. But that’s just it. The thoughts! The thinking! It drives you mad! But that’s what I strive for. Pondering so deep it hurts. Think about anything and everything. I hate running, so I don’t. I barely sleep. And if I do, it’s from thinking too far off, I drift away. I just sit there at night… thinking. And most of my thoughts end up here. In this notebook which I am writing now, soon to be typing, and then to be posted. I would replay events in my mind. Happy events. Sad events. And I either fell asleep in tears or somewhat happy. Or is it the thinking that is my escape? Here I have written ten and a half pages of normal things I think about! Six pages typed! And here I go to my new journal title: The Ponderings of the Tormented Mind-by Amarië. And that’s not even all. There is more. So much more that I have forgotten, but still have thought about. But when it does come to me, I shall write, type, and then post about it. And you shall read it, and hopefully it will have some effect in your life. Maybe you all can learn something from me and what little of a life I can have. And that shall be my use. My meaning for life. And you shall read what I have thought about and spoken about and dreamed about and wonder yourself.
Does anyone have any meaning for life for me? For you? What is the point of life? To die. Once you are born, you are already dying. And you can’t stop it. There is no way of freezing your body to preserve it. The movies just don’t make sense. If someone freezes you, your blood expands, destroying your body tissue, causing you to die. You just can’t stop dying. We are always dying. (both ways there) But what is there to live for? A world which is being trashed and taken over by people who will just destroy it. Why can’t we just die now and go be with God until the kingdom comes? Why do we have to suffer? Life has no meaning. It has no purpose. Its just there to die. Wither away into nothingness. To be hurt and troubled by other people? I have no control over anything, or is it me that controls everything? I have no say in anything, or am I the only one saying anything? I’m part of one big circle which just won’t end, or has not even started? It has no sides, there are no pauses. You can only stop life with death. It’s pointless, it really is. Points are pointless. Hopes are hopeless. Lives are lifeless.
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Post by Galadrie*snackle*den on May 8, 2004 20:30:57 GMT -5
*hugs* I know what you're talking about... I think about a lot of that sort of thing too. And yeah, recurring dreams... I have those, a lot. I don't know what yours are like, of course, but mine just make me not want to go to bed again. -.- As for the point of our being alive... I heard a neat thing recently, and thought it was so true. Just some food for thought. -Menelien
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Post by Amarië on May 8, 2004 20:51:13 GMT -5
that is an interesting quote... *wonders where you got it from*
but to add to that, what are we building for? what is the goal in the end?
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Post by elberethvarda on May 8, 2004 20:52:32 GMT -5
Awww.... I feel the same way as when I read Mip's journal. I can only say one thing. Life is not meaningless. It has a purpose. You are not meaningless. You were made for a purpose. Made by a creator who knows the number of hairs on your head, and knows where, and what, and why you're thinking/saying/doing every moment you are alive. He loves you, Ala. He cares about you. He's got a plan for you, though you don't know what it is. I don't know what mine is. But it's there all the same. You are such an amazing person, I know you've got an amazing future. I know I sound all churchy, but I don't mean to. Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope, and a future.
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Post by Galadrie*snackle*den on May 8, 2004 20:56:40 GMT -5
The quote is from a blog on the BD ring. Hm... I may not be religious, but as little sense as it makes, I agree with EV. I mean, I may not believe in a God or a Creator or anything like that, but I do believe that you matter... and whether you matter to an all-powerful creator or just to a bunch of silly people on an online community doesn't really make a difference to me... you still *matter.* -Menelien
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Post by Amarië on May 8, 2004 21:14:56 GMT -5
well yes. I have known all of that. but that does not tell you the meaning of life. I know there has to be a purpose, but what could it be? and its not just for me to know. I do know some of the answers to the questions I ask. I just don't say them... er... because.. Marigold, I believe you asked me what I kept doing when I would take notes in notebooks and write 'mysterious' posts which don't really give any information, well that is one of the things I do. Take note of things trying to see the bigger picture... trying to make people think here...
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Post by Amarië on May 9, 2004 12:40:45 GMT -5
NO! They killed! They KILLED it!! *falls over* I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm crying! AAH! No! there has to be a mistake! Maybe I'm missing the button... yeah.. thats it... button.. button... where are you?! It has to be there! AAAH! *curls up and rocks back and forth* It's not there! WAH! *cries* How could they kill Travis like that?! WAAAAH! It has to be there it has to be there it has to be there!! Someone tell me its there! It has to.. it has to... they were there before! but noooo.. it has to turn into this travis.ography crap. Why isn't it there?! WAH! it says it would be there, but its not!! *sobs* *falls through floor* excuse me while I go die now.
please someone, Mippin?! Has Travisography died?!
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Post by Arwen on May 9, 2004 14:46:32 GMT -5
Hey Amarie! Can I rant with you a while? I'm wondering the same thing about life. I'm not very good at giving my thought's, but here they are. DON"T PANIC! You're life doesn't start after high school. You're life started the day you were. It's okay not to know what you want to do as a job. Maybe you just try to think of what kind of adult you would like to be. That is way more important than were you work, or where you go to collage.
I'm reading this book called the "Purpose driven life". On the front it says "What on Earth am I here for?", which is one of the reason's I wanted to read it. There is this one part where the person says, "You are no use to God as a person who tries to hide the person you are. God LOVES seeing you be you. He loves watching you live, enjoying the things he made for you to enjoy. If you try to enjoy life as a different person than you are, that doesn't bring God glory. Be yourself, no matter how much you would like to be a different person." Just thought I would share that.
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Post by Mippin on May 9, 2004 14:48:45 GMT -5
travis.ography.co.uk.... o.O
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Post by Marigold Gamgee on May 9, 2004 22:05:02 GMT -5
What's the meaning of life? Why, 42, o' course. I'd like to just say something here. We all seem depressed now, except for GOTO, suprisingly (huzzah for Prozac!). This is bizarre. Now she's happy and we're not. Ah, well. Anyhow, I think people see me too much as sunny, happy, cheerful golden Mari. And I love it that people see me that way, and that's all well and good, but there's a side of me that I think only one of you has seen. And that's a lot like Mip and Ala have posted stuff... I'm just like that, if not more so. I spend all my time thinking about things like this. I just... don't post it all. I tell you in my head. Heh. I do, though, seriously. And I'm realising just how similar we all are. We're all exactly the same. We have the same thoughts, the same feelings, the same interests. So I start thinking that maybe it's just part of being a person and a teenager. And some of it is. But much of it isn't, and I can't understand why it's really only us and a few others who share this. But I'll tell you one thing... I've been wondering about stuff like that myself recently. And thinking that even with God, and his purposes, the world and everything in it is really weird. Everything is really, really weird. But there's one purpose in life... other people. That doesn't really help you to figure out why we're here or what we need to accomplish, but it gives meaning to your life. If you use your life for others, you'll find that it's really very satisfying and fulfilling, but also very hard. You're probably thinking that's just a very Mari thing to say, and, well, maybe it is. But I'm in no way a model of that. Sam is. Jesus is. Me.... no. I'm trying, though. And living to help others works surprising well, but I'll warn you that it's really, really hard. Still, if you feel your life has no meaning... know that we love you. There's meaning enough in that.
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Post by elberethvarda on May 10, 2004 9:57:54 GMT -5
Aww.... *huggles Mari* That was the perfect thing to say.
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